Age is a funny thing. Sometimes I think that I don’t feel much different than I did in my twenties. But, then I think about all the things I’ve done in my life, and I wonder, how the heck I got here. Different parts of my life feel like different chapters in a book – and sometimes they feel like different books all together. Some of the characters remain the same – although they have been more or less prominent at different times. Sometimes, I don’t even think I feel like I'm the same character. There are similarities; there are traits that are static, although much feels different.
Today, I had my interview for global entry (I know – somewhat ridiculous it has taken me this long). I decided to walk back rather than take the metro, as I needed some exercise. Also, I have felt like my life has been on super-speed since I’ve been back from Mexico, and I appreciated the time alone with my thoughts. As I journeyed home, I began thinking about different times in my life.
I’ve lived in DC now for a long time: a few years short of half of my life. That seems momentous. Today, I tried to walk home on a route I do not normally take. This was perfect as it got me seeing some things I have not seen in a while, and some that I’ve never seen. Some of those buildings, streets, and parks got me thinking about past moments in my life. It felt almost like I was on a tour of my life, walking these streets – memories of friends, family, boyfriends, visitors and past events came flooding through my head like looking at pictures of various moments snapped in time.
I’ve had this thought over the last couple of months: maybe I’m hard to get along with. This is different. I used to think I was really laid back. I’ve realized that time, and being independent for a long time has rendered me slightly more rigid and opinionated. This isn’t to say I want to be a push-over. I don’t. Sometimes I wonder if I should maybe be a bit more accommodating. You know the strange thing? I have almost unlimited amount of patience and understanding for clients; but, sometimes in my personal life, I don’t have that same level of patience. Is that terrible? If you want to be friends, you need your shit together – at least to a certain extent. Maybe, it’s not so much that. I think it is more – I don’t mind people not having their stuff together as long as it doesn’t impact my relationship with the person. You can be a mess, as long as you are still being respectful to me. My patience level is the inverse of how much your mess impacts how you treat me.
Over the past month, I’ve been thinking about counseling. I really love it; I feel it is a great honor to be allowed into people’s lives on a level that most people are not allowed or trusted. I’ve also been good at compartmentalizing other people’s pain from my own life. Most of the time, I feel that I can listen and have empathy without feeling burdened by it. Recently I’ve been having some twisted dreams, however. I’m both victim and the offender of the unspeakable. I wonder if that isn’t my subconscious saying, “careful. You are approaching your limit.” I need balance.
I was having lunch with a friend yesterday. She told me a story about being of two minds about something. There is part of her that feels like she should leave working for an agency because of some prejudicial things occurring; however, it would cause problems for her, and she would be “letting people down.” This conversation though made me start thinking about the question, “who are we when no one else is around?” That’s not always easy, is it? Actually, I guess the other question is, “who are you when everyone is watching?”
The first question begs the question, are you a “good” person when it’s difficult and no one else knows? I’d like to say, “yes, always.” But, that isn’t always true. I think the truth is closer to, “more often than not.” That’s a hard truth.
The second question – when everyone is watching – makes me think of how hard it can be to raise your voice, especially if it is against an established power. It’s hard! So long ago, I worked at a camp which was all about breaking down stereotypes. It was such an amazing week – and one that I cherish being part of. However, during the week, the kids were separated into groups based on outward appearance (such as race, ethnicity, gender). They were told they could not speak to people in the other groups. The goal (and hope) was that the kids would challenge the authorities telling them they couldn’t, because they had spent all week making friends with people in the other groups. It was fascinating to watch – and I could feel for the kids. They were told to obey “authority” their whole life! It took guts to say, “no! this isn’t right! I’m doing something different.” They thought so too. It took hours! It wasn’t until we had gone to our daily campfire sing-along. The kids were singing a song literally about diversity (“Rainbow Children”). Finally, and maybe unsurprisingly, it was someone in a group that did not hold traditional power that said, “this is stupid, I’m not doing it.” It didn’t take long for others to join in – but, it took a really long time for that first kid to raise his voice.
That experiment/activity got me to thinking, when do we choose to buck a system? When do we stand up for or against something? Does it matter if we have a personal stake in it? That example is rather specific; however, we face those questions all the time on various levels. Do we break away from a social norm to do something different? Do we decide to take our own path? Do we speak up at work when we see something happen that we disagree with? Do we speak up on the street? Do we challenge a friend? How do we decide?
I remember being a kid reading the Diary of Anne Frank. I wondered if I would be strong enough to do what she had done – at such personal risk. I always hoped I would, but also questioned it. I guess you never really know until you’re truly in the situation.
In my life – I’ve done both. I’ve watched something happen that I thought was wrong and said nothing. It is challenging to stand up. I’ve also been a person to stand up and say, “nope, not today.” When have I done either? I don’t know. I am not sure what the deciding factor is. And, both are hard in their own way.
So – who are you when no one is looking? Are you still the same person you were when you were young? Do the chapters in your book read the way you want them to? What are the changes you still want to make?
Life really is the ultimate "choose your own adventure."
“May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds.” ~Edward Abbey
Comments